I have obsession issues… so sue me!

I have obsession issues... so sue me!

So I am feeling an overwhelming sense of loss this week fueled both by couch tour and by my own lack of self control.

the simple truth is I have an obsessive personality. When I find something I like I dive in full speed. So dating has been mainly a joke, as I mentioned previously.

However last weekend I went out with a man… a man who thinks like I think …I think. I don’t know because I did not take the time to get to know him. When I met up with him I knew it was a bad idea… I was so tired and it was a far drive… when I got there I waited for him at the bar for a while and had a big drink on an empty stomach…

He was so handsome. So sexy. So sweet. SO smart… I fell in an instant. I went back to his place with him to watch a movie… and one thing led to another…so fast it was ridiculous. I was so fast it was ridiculous. He wanted me to stay the night but in my shame I panicked and left…

Here is what I do: Long alone now, all the first dates that go no where… this is the second time in 2 years that I have had a sexual encounter with someone. It is preposterous how someone with my libido remains celibate almost entirely while searching for a lover I can enjoy… and then when I find him… I’m so starved for affection that I just cave at the first touch. I go a year without sex only to make myself look even more slutty than I used to ACTUALLY BE.

And of course… now he’s not calling and my heart aches from my own stupidity and lack of self control. But this is only half of my issue.

The other half is “Davepression” plain and true. Davepression is a condition caused by “couch tour”. When you watch the setlists being played by the band at all the amazing venues around the country that YOU personally can not afford to travel to… places like Alpine Valley, my favorite venue – hometown back in the day 🙂 Watching the amazing set lists roll in and seeing everyone’s photos on facebook!!!! Couch tour is painful! You try to be positive and be glad your best friend in another state got to hear Halloween but really – I NEED A SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So instead of crying about it (which I have a teeny bit… some wandering tears brought by music or words…) I went out and got some bigger canvases and a brand new box of acrylic paints.

Art is the greatest weapon I have against depression, against myself and the darkness that wants to eat my spirit sometimes… hell no. I won’t go down like that no more 😉 So I will paint, I will sing, I will dance… and the freedom in my heart gonna spread all around until my spirit flies free.