We make the best of what’s around :)

We make the best of what's around :)

So this is a photo of a bracelet given to me on my lil DMB tour earlier this month. Today I started physical therapy. I mention this because, as so often has happened to me since loving this band, I had one of those really cool “coincidences” happen.

As I was having my evaluation (being done by a remarkably good looking young man by the way, all kinds a tall and blonde and cute…) he notices my bracelet and says “oh did you go to that show?” I say “Yeah. Every year :)” he tells me his dad works there. He works concert security so he gets to go to shows for his job. I take a deep breath and my eyes get all wide… I say “I bet you anything your dad is the awesome security guard who I love! Is he a really big tall guy witha moustache?” He smiles and says “yup! They call him Big John!” holy crap security guy who I have loved for years is my therapist’s dad. It is this guy “Big John” who walked us into the venue this year. This guy walking us in is the ONLY reason I made it to the rail this year. Despite being one of the first people there last year, because of my sciattic nerve pain… when they opened the gates everyone ran past me. I could not keep up. This year, after being asked to help us in for safety – when I thanked Big John at the gate he actually said to me “I was there at the Who. I remember what happened.” I FREAKING LOVE THIS GUY!!!

And now his uber handsome son is handling my recovery 🙂 amazing stuff. It is such a small world even though Florida is such a big state 🙂 I love the way this band draws me into circles of connection. More and more lately 🙂

I love this music. I love this band. I love this life 🙂
Thanks for reading!

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I have obsession issues… so sue me!

I have obsession issues... so sue me!

So I am feeling an overwhelming sense of loss this week fueled both by couch tour and by my own lack of self control.

the simple truth is I have an obsessive personality. When I find something I like I dive in full speed. So dating has been mainly a joke, as I mentioned previously.

However last weekend I went out with a man… a man who thinks like I think …I think. I don’t know because I did not take the time to get to know him. When I met up with him I knew it was a bad idea… I was so tired and it was a far drive… when I got there I waited for him at the bar for a while and had a big drink on an empty stomach…

He was so handsome. So sexy. So sweet. SO smart… I fell in an instant. I went back to his place with him to watch a movie… and one thing led to another…so fast it was ridiculous. I was so fast it was ridiculous. He wanted me to stay the night but in my shame I panicked and left…

Here is what I do: Long alone now, all the first dates that go no where… this is the second time in 2 years that I have had a sexual encounter with someone. It is preposterous how someone with my libido remains celibate almost entirely while searching for a lover I can enjoy… and then when I find him… I’m so starved for affection that I just cave at the first touch. I go a year without sex only to make myself look even more slutty than I used to ACTUALLY BE.

And of course… now he’s not calling and my heart aches from my own stupidity and lack of self control. But this is only half of my issue.

The other half is “Davepression” plain and true. Davepression is a condition caused by “couch tour”. When you watch the setlists being played by the band at all the amazing venues around the country that YOU personally can not afford to travel to… places like Alpine Valley, my favorite venue – hometown back in the day 🙂 Watching the amazing set lists roll in and seeing everyone’s photos on facebook!!!! Couch tour is painful! You try to be positive and be glad your best friend in another state got to hear Halloween but really – I NEED A SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So instead of crying about it (which I have a teeny bit… some wandering tears brought by music or words…) I went out and got some bigger canvases and a brand new box of acrylic paints.

Art is the greatest weapon I have against depression, against myself and the darkness that wants to eat my spirit sometimes… hell no. I won’t go down like that no more 😉 So I will paint, I will sing, I will dance… and the freedom in my heart gonna spread all around until my spirit flies free.

got my Firedancer :)

got my Firedancer :)

Yes I officially branded myself with a Firedancer, the most recognized DMB logo… with a twist of course. The tree is the firedancer… and the moon to balance out the tattoo on my other shoulder that has the sun in it…I like it but I want a lot more color. This is a very good start though 🙂

As I drove to the tattoo shop I was feeling sad, stressed out… sort of on the edge of getting really down. And then once that ink gun started buzzing… well it had the relaxation equivalency of a massage.

So there’s a lot on my mind still but I just keep looking at my tattoo 🙂 Yep – feeling much better now.